I am feeling so completely drained, yet I feel no matter how much sleep I get, my energy will not return. I have no facts to prove this, and I hope to gain evidence this night to refute the theory, but it is what I believe. I feel a hollowness within me I have not felt I many years. I feel my energy draining away into this void. I need something more.
And I think it is easy to guess why. I am lonely. I used to feel lonely in crowds. I used to feel nobody understood me. I had all the normal teen angst problems, and a few extra, but this is different. This time I am, for the most part, alone. At least, I have very limited interaction with others in my age group. I have my daughters always, so I am almost never physically alone, but I do not have the companionship of another adult.
How did this become another diatribe on my solitude?
I have had so little energy lately. The projects I wish to do for my own enjoyment I cannot get a handle on. The other tasks I need to do, some very important, I can hardly bear to think about. It is not that I am depressed; I am just worn. Luckily I do manage to keep up with the day-to-day tasks, the dishes are not piling up, the kids are washed, I am showered and the bills are being paid. But I need to do something more.
I suppose the thing is, it seems impossible at this time to get involved in much of anything. I need something to stimulate me. Writing, programming, so many of the things I enjoy are solo activities, which can be good, but it gives no interaction. And talking to friends over the computer can only substitute so much. I have tried to make arrangements with others, but it seems they always fall through. I want to meet new people. Since most of my friends have moved away, I need to meet new people. I just don't know how at this point.
And I am so tired.
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