Back in November I twice tried to make plans with her. Once we did not finalize things and then did not manage to hook up in time to straighten out plans. The other time something came up. She was supposed to call sometime in December and did not, although I did not really expect her to. It was not that I felt she was trying to stand me up, or even meant to. She was busy, very busy, and always had reasonable explanations. Part of me wondered if there was some avoidance, but I did not expect that of her character. Still, we never were able to get plans together.
     Each time we discussed it I suddenly became extremely nervous that I had somewhere lost my social skills and my ability to make a good impression. I became near petrified that I would make an ass of myself. Visions danced in my head of growing a donkey's ears and tail like Pinochio. I am still not quite certain why. Obviously I did want to make a favorable impression with her. I wanted, in fact, to dispel some beliefs created by earlier impressions. Still, if I failed in this regard it would not have been the end of my world. I admit to finding her attractive, perhaps intriguing, but I have not devoted myself to her in any way. I have no ideals of fatal romance.
     Perhaps it was because I had become used to our plans not working out that this panic did not seize me when I recently invited her to a movie. I had received passes for Christmas. I certainly did not want to go alone. So I called her and I arranged the plans. She did call once to ask about switching days, but suggested the very next evening immediately. Slowly I began to believe this time we were going to meet. And we did. We had a fun, relaxed evening. Things went well and it would not surprise me that we see each other again. After being out for an evening in the company of another I could hold decent conversation with and sharing a entertaining time, I felt confident and relaxed.

     But my relaxation did not last long.

     I am waking up each morning with an incredible tension focused in my shoulders and neck and expanding down my back and across my scalp. I am plagued by headaches. I took a muscle relaxant the other day and fell quickly asleep while at my parent's house. I plan to try again tonight in hopes of getting to bed at a decent time. My sleeping has been irregular. Every pillow I lie against feels like stone. I hope I can find another solution besides relaxants. Soon.

[<<] [<] [>] [>>] [Contents] [home]
Go to page top
Online Journal
Online Journal v1.4 © ZuzuSoft
prev | daily dose | next