I feel so beaten. I do not know why. Perhaps it is the weeks of not being able to sleep before two a.m. finally catching up to me. Perhaps it has just been a long day. Perhaps it was finding out she had a boyfriend even though I am not in the least surprised by this nor does it really change anything that is or has been. Perhaps it is the fact I have shed no tears.
It has been over five months now that I have been a single parent. Not once has the dissolution of the relationship brought me to tears since then. Some how that just does not seem right. No matter how long the death throws had been going on, the final termination of the relationship must have meant something. Why then does it just seem so empty?
I want to crawl into bed. I want to crawl into bed and not have to wake up tomorrow. I know I cannot do this. I have a family to tend to and I will not let anything come between my duty for them and me. I am tired of counselors being my main ear. I do not wish to talk this through with my parents or brother. I want a friend. But someone flesh and blood before me.
And then I just keep thinking of having someone lying across my lap while I read Shakespeare.
I just wish I could have some kind of break. I hope to go to Seattle very briefly in February. I will go down one day and be back the next and there is good chance I will have no time for sleep. It should be fun and exciting, but it will not be a break. A break from some parental duties, yes, but I will likely come back more exhausted than when I left.
And we are gong to opera in April.
I have no reason to suspect we would be any kind of match. I only know I see us doing things I was not able to do with the former. I see us having conversations I was not able to have. It is the difference between studying English literature and the local bar scene. I had no illusions that we were beginning a commitment. It is just that I know time with her could be enjoyable.
And I know myself.
I will not cry over this. I have had much greater disappointments in the still too recent past. I will continue to seek her conversation and company without artifice. I should limit myself to friendships at this time anyway. No, I will not cry over this. As I have not cried over anything.
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