It should come as no surprise that on the eve of my birthday I feel blue. It is by no means uncommon. My birthday has never been a large affair to anyone it seems. Certainly, outside my family, it was rarely given much notice, unless I arranged that notice myself. I do remember one time a girlfriend arranged a party for me. On the same token, I would rather an intimate gathering of friends than a large fanfare. Therefore, while I say my birthday has never garnered a lot of attention, it is not something that haunts me. It is merely the facts as they have been.
Yet, it does always seem to slide me into an introspective mode. I begin to examine where I have spent the last year, my life until now, where I shall travel next, and, in situations as I am in now, I think of being alone. Loneliness is not unfamiliar either. It has been a pretty constant companion through the years. Often even when I was with someone I felt alone. With some, I was simply on a different level intellectually. With others, it was literally a matter of geography. Then there were the ones I knew were not with me. They had already moved on. Perhaps they had not yet realized it. Perhaps they could not admit it to themselves or me. Whatever the case, I knew. So I was alone. No matter how many times I examine the whys or wherefores of the matter, the conclusion is always the same: I do not like to be alone.
I believe humans to be social creatures and I think I will meet little opposition with that viewpoint, but I believe this to a point where I think it is necessary for normal survival to have social contact. Perhaps I need to define that better. I think we can survive in complete solitude. I think we grow more fully with interaction. If that were not the case, being alone would only be a problem when concerning copulation. But sexual desires can be sated if needed. As long as there has been business there has been a place to buy gratification, but one cannot buy companionship. One cannot purchase a friend. And I so want a friend.
So maybe it is not the fact that she became concerned that I was looking for more and made clear she does not want more at this time that has me down. Maybe it is this nagging feeling that in trying to explain I was not looking for more that I somehow harmed a building companionship. How does one court a friendship when you will never meet the other casually?
My friends have spread to the winds as if I wished upon them like dandelion seeds. I need something. It is not like I have a mountain of troubles to unload. I only want someone to share time with; a chess mate; a dinner companion; a fellow with whom to watch a movie. But I cannot force that upon a person.
Perhaps I can still make things clear.
I just do not want to be completely alone tomorrow eve.
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