Night of high romance and deep bitterness
[ It has been some time since I did an entry. Even now, I cheat. This is from a post I made to the SeaGoth Forum ]
First let us face it; Valentine's Day is not just a Hallmark holiday. It is a day in remembrance of someone, St. Valentine.
Considering it is the day of his execution, perhaps it is proper to be somber. Of course, I do not think that's proper considering his life.
But, being realistic, it has been commercialized just the same as any other holiday. I will not argue that.
Now I am a very passionate individual. This has been a strength and weakness in my life. Many many times it has landed me in trouble. I also consider myself a romantic. I used to call myself a hopeless romantic with a derisive inner smile, but one day it occurred to me, I was a hopeful romantic. I have high hopes for romance. And I always want someone to share my passion with. Too often, my passion has been overwhelming for others. I learned that lesson quickly.
I seem to be jumping tracks here. Let me see if I can find my original train of thought.
I think it is because I am so full of hope for romance and because I feel such passion constantly within me and because I know that many others will be using this night to be just a little more passionate with their loved ones that I am even more aware of my isolation.
And I am isolated. I do not begrudge my children for this. I do not chafe at my responsibilities. I love my children more than I do anything else in the world. Still, I have no local friends, and very little time currently to meet local people. I do not even know where I would go to do such a thing. All of my close friends are currently out of town. Some will return and others will not. Most of my socializing is done over the 'net right now. I love all the people I message and email, but it is a silent communication. It is cold. Sensing their humanity is like touching a limb that is medically frozen. You can feel it, but it is through gauze.
I met someone recently. I believe I spoke of this in one of the other forums. I am certain much of a relationship would be unwise. Still, I was hoping that perhaps we would spend some time together tonight, even if it were only over ice cream and tea. If I had met her a day or two earlier, perhaps it would have worked out. It did not. Then again, it is entirely possible she is having a romantic evening with someone herself. It certainly would not surprise me.
It is not that I am scared of being alone. I do not even really feel alone. I know I have many good friends out there. But I am isolated from them. I would like to be a little less isolated.
And I do still dream that I will someday find someone to share my passion with. To hold and read poetry. To touch with feathery fingertips. At whom I could gaze across a chessboard. That person with whom I could completely break down and be held, understood, or at least accepted as what is not understood yet valid. And she could do the same with me.
For now, I remain here at my keyboard.
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