It is not that I fear being alone. I do not. I think I have proven quite well I can function perfectly on my own. If anything, I have shown I do better on my own than I do with someone.
Many years ago, I went to a movie with a friend and afterwards we went to Baskin Robins for ice cream. While there, we spoke of the future and where we saw ourselves. I remember discussing the idea of family - in my case a wife and children - and I remarked I did not know if I would have them. I explained it was not that I did not want them, but that I could see myself growing old without. A few years later, I suddenly had a family. Then it shattered. I spent time redefining in my mind what a family was and my two girls and I began a healing process. Eventually I grew accustomed to being on my own. I did not worry about finding another to compliment me. I will admit a part of me desired it, a part of me was wistful, but it did not occupy me. I believed I would grow old with my children, but without another. Maybe eventually I would find someone, but when my children were much older.
I think it was just when I had come to accept this idea that she entered my life, and the experience of her would throw it all out the window. Now I find myself heading down that path again, the path of acceptance. I find myself accepting the idea of being alone for a long time, and I think I know why. It is a safe belief.
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